Letting Go of Expectations; Triple Crown RR

Yesterday didn't go as planned.  Not at all.  I was struggling last night to find words to describe my disappointment and I cried.   Not because I was sad, but because I was so angry at myself for walking away and not completing my goal.  I wanted to go run 26.2 miles RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT just because I wanted to prove that I could.  But, yesterday just wasn't my day to do it.  Going into the day I was worried about Troy.  He's been battling some injuries over the past few weeks and I wasn't even sure he'd be joining me at the start line at all.  So, when he said he was, I was happy that he'd be there and tried to let go of the stress of worrying.  No place for stress out there running.  Like my friend Kathleen, says "Purge and leave it on the trail!"  Well, that's paraphrasing a bit but still, you know what I mean.

So, he was running a half marathon leg of his day first and started ten minutes before the marathon start.  We kissed, said our good lucks to each other and he headed off.  I was left with a group of running friends I run with the trails with occasionally and we were all doing the marathon which started ten minutes later.  Pacing was easy in the beginning, I didn't push myself, didn't let myself lag, just kept it moving slow and steady right over the first big hill.  Three miles in was the first water crossing and actually it wasn't as bad as I'd built it up to be in my mind.  Cold?  Yes.  Intolerable?  No.  The creek somehow was wider than it had looked the last time we'd run there and my feet were a bit numb as I started to climb the muddy hill out of there but by the time we started the descent on the other side, all was okay.  But a mile later, I started to realize all was not okay.  Just a twinge here and there told me that I was developing a blister.  I tried to not think about it and talked to the runners around me, changing my footfall to avoid the worst of the pain and it was tolerable.  As I left one of the runner friends I'd started with I just tried to focus on anything but the blister.  Ever try to do that?  Somehow the more you try to refocus, the more you come back to it!  Then, I was lucky enough to settle into a pace with another runner who was happy to chat and talk about most anything and we had a good few miles to get to know each other.  We wound around some of the parts of the park Troy and I had run in January and I felt completely at ease and strong.  Not really suffering and was feeling good.  Back to the creek crossing again going the other way at mile 10 and my feet were thankful for the cold water.  It made the blisters (yes, there were multiple ones now!) feel better.  I ducked into the brush for a potty break and my new running friend headed to the turnaround point.  I was on my own again and the 10-k runners from the second leg of Troy's race started heading toward me.  I kept looking for him, sure I'd pass him.  As more and more runners, and eventually walkers kept going by, I started really worrying about him. I realized at that point that he must have dropped out.  As I climbed the big hill we'd started at, I was really stressing.  Stress = sucky running.  That's just how it is.  I know he's an adult and I should have been focusing on me, but that's not how I'm wired.

By the time I got to the turnaround and headed to the car to swap out clean, dry socks for my sopping wet ones, I was getting worried.  I'd still not seen him anywhere.  The dry socks felt good but the skin on my left foot was pretty raw.  I grabbed a new pack of energy chews, sent him a text telling him I didn't feel well but was heading back out and then I was heading to the water table to refill.  As I did, I saw him.  He was in pain - his sciatic nerve was acting up pretty badly and he looked like he was in so much pain I felt awful for him.  So, I decided that with my left foot hurting plus his back pain that the best thing for me to do was not head back out.  I know that each successive water crossing would have been harder and harder on my blisters and although I knew in my heart I could finish, I didn't know how long the next 13 mile loop would have taken.  Worrying about him in pain while I was out there running would have affected my running and that wouldn't have been a good thing.  Walking away was both the hardest and easiest decision I could have made.  All in all, I know it was the right decision.

So, now, I'm looking for another marathon to do and I know that I will rock it!  I am thinking of avoiding a trail one, instead looking for a fun road one (with real portapotties, thank you!) and really celebrating the day.  I love running the trails and I still know that 13 miles of that terrain is a big deal, and knowing that I COULD do it really does help.  The last time we ran there I did 20 miles and that was pretty early in our training plan.  I'm looking forward to heading back down there and doing more running and maybe even some mountain biking.  It's a great park with lots of fun trails - I only wish we lived a little closer! 

I am starting today with a good mood, glad to have had the time I did yesterday and treasuring the good moments while letting go of the bad.  My foot is tender today but not sore and I think some biking is on the schedule!  Enjoy your day everyone!